Posts tagged ‘emo’

April 2, 2014

Laments of my soul.

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My days are swifter than a weaver’s shuttle, and they come to an end without hope. Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; my eyes will never see happiness again. (Job 7:6, 7 NIV)

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…“My splendor is GONE and all that I had hoped from the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:18 NIV)

 

It’s been a very melancholic day for me today. I reckon its my hormones messing up my emotions and making me feel so sad and depressed. Aside from having many troubled thoughts on so many things going on and happening at the same time in life right now.  While praying alone this morning before work started, I was almost speechless, and just let tears flow and cried out to God. Images of throwing myself off the building came flooding into my thoughts. It didn’t help that I was in so much lack of sleep. Was blogging away last night and panicking and trying to fix my messed up camera but mostly ended up sleeping late because I had to wait for someone else who was hogging the shower.

So the troubles didn’t just stop at the camera. This morning I got a text from my lawyer Margy telling me that they needed another 3K to process my papers and for stationary expenses. So all in all, from my last payment up until now, I spent a total of 10K just to pursue this case. I’m not complaining per se, I mean, I don’t have to pay for most of the cost already so I’m already blessed. But hearing what the other lawyer thought about the judge that is about to handle my case, I feel quite discouraged. Furthermore, with the speed of how things are going around my appeal now, it may take another full year before a decision will be made.

A FULL year!!! I was kind of expecting sometime in September this year I’d be able to completely lift this burden off from my life regardless the outcome but now, A FULL YEAR??!! AND A LOW CHANCE TOO, MIND YOU??!!!

Lord, o Lord~ Why do I feel so deserted right now?

Read a chapter of the book “It’s OK to be NOT OK” by Rico G. Villanueva today, and at the end of the chapter, there were some points to ponder on and the writer encouraged us readers to say a prayer to express our hearts to God the way Psalm 42/43 is patterned. Here’s what I came up with.

Lord Jesus, heavenly Father..
I really need You right now.. I have been feeling downcast for the past few days. More than I have been for the past 2 months.
Ever since Birdie told me about the condo issue, I even had dreams about it. Thats how much this has bothered me. Its always at the back of my head no matter how much I try to convince myself that You will take care of it, that You will provide. But the more I search for condos online and the more I look and find nothing, it seems to me that I have been knocking and asking but didn’t receive any answer at all.

Lord I can’t do this without You. I can’t do this life without Your help, without Your favor, without Your blessing. In fact this morning, just looking out from the window, I had images in my head about throwing myself out the window. Its suicidal! All because I can’t find a better place to move into? All because I don’t have the finances to get myself out of this place? All because I feel so rejected and unloved by sinners/people who have a limited capacity to love??

Please rescue me Lord. Come quickly to save Your daughter. My heart is failing within me because troubles are surrounding me. I have to think of the pending court case, traveling expenses this coming June, how to pay my insurance bills, giving allowances to my mom, paying for the legal fees, looking for a better place or condo to move into, the money to move out, the money /finances to go to Canada… Etc etc..

I’m getting tired Lord Jesus. I’m getting weaker and weaker. I’m starting to feel like I’m losing hope. Yet to whom do I turn to if not to You? Theres no turning back now. I don’t want to live my past life. It has no meaning. Now that I want to follow You and the path You have planned for me, I find myself getting lost and confused! I don’t know what to do?!!

I just ended there. Cos thats exactly what I felt. I have NO CLUE. what. to. do.

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March 18, 2014

Day 4. #nostalking #moveon

Overheard over lunch that the mountain climb to Pundaquit was scheduled for April 12. Got affected again! 😣😣😣

Hearing anything that has to do with Mikhail just makes me flinch!!! Gggrrrrrr so annoyed with myself!!!

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March 15, 2014

Someday.

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One day you’ll forget me; that someday.. I won’t matter to you anymore…

Dreading that day when it comes.. 😞

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March 14, 2014

Unpretty – TLC

I wish I could tie you up in my shoes
Make you feel unpretty too
I was told I was beautiful
But what does that mean to you
Look into the mirror who’s inside there
The one with the long hair
Same old me again today (yeah)

My outsides look cool
My insides are blue
Everytime I think I’m through
It’s because of you
I’ve tried different ways
But it’s all the same
At the end of the day
I have myself to blame
I’m just trippin’

You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make up
That M.A.C. can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I to
Be in the position to make me feel
So damn unpretty
I’ll make you feel unpretty too

Never insecure until I met you
Now I’m bein’ stupid
I used to be so cute to me
Just a little bit skinny chubby
Why do I look to all these things
To keep you happy
Maybe get rid of you
And then I’ll get back to me (hey)

My outsides look cool
My insides are blue
Everytime I think I’m through
It’s because of you
I’ve tried different ways
But it’s all the same
At the end of the day
I have myself to blame
I’m just trippin

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March 14, 2014

The one I used to know. 😔

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What a loss to spend that much time with someone, only to find out that he’s a stranger.

It’s rather sad to know that sometimes lies are so much easier to accept than who you really are.

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March 14, 2014

Alone. Alone. People. Alone.

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One can be surrounded by people but still feel alone amidst the ocean of crowd.

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March 14, 2014

:-(

Why do you hurt me so…
Why do you affect me still…
Sometimes I wonder if God told you to hurt me..
I don’t know why was I so stupid to think that you would actually want to be with an old hag like me.

I sometimes wish I could just disappear and forget it all. Since it seems like you’re much happier now without me..

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April 27, 2006

My un-interesting life.

I find that I don’t mind reading the blogs of people that I know. It doesn’t feel as boring as those blogs that belong to total strangers because it doesnt bore me, and somehow the life of the familiar person, I feel at least a tad bit connection because at one point in life, I was a part of theirs.Anyways, was reading a 19 year old girl, law undergrad in Adelaide, which I had known because she was a church member long time ago. She’s one fortunate bitch. The daddy’s little girl got a nice car for her to use while at uni. What a life eh? I never got to be a daddy’s girl..

I was also reading my bf’s ex’s blog, and also another life that I think is so carefree and bimbo-ish. Its like there’s nothing else a girl could ask for. I’m thinking to myself, my life is so boring. There’s nothing interesting about my life at all thats worth telling the world. Blogging is just an outlet for me to express my disappointment and dissatisfaction with what I am.

I guess sometimes I wish for something that I can never grasp, and yet sometimes I can also feel content with being comfortable at what I have.. it is what they always say about life.. COMPLICATED.

November 16, 2005

whats wrong with me?????

why can’t I be happy?????????????????

WHY?????????????????????????????????WHY DO I KEEP FEELING MISERABLE?????????????????

WHY CANT I BE CONTENT????????????????????????

SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL ME…………….

August 3, 2005

nooooooooooooooooooooo

woke up and realised i’ve got 1 strand of grey hair.

noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo….wat could’ve caused it?? over stressed?? thinking too much??

i dont know. lately i can say i’m at the depressing stage. its hard for me to even laugh heartily and sincerely. too much things to worry about. well, actually just 1 thing. but its the 1 thing that could make everything else become better. MONEY.

i’m financially at the state of ‘clueless’. unlike most of you, your family would give a monthly allowance and let u work around it. for me, when i need money, i’d have to ask for it, and most of the time, i dont get as much as I need.lets see now, i need credit for my mobile which probably takes about RM60 or more a month. and then there’s toiletries to buy which i would roughly say about RM100 per month or 2. and then there’s the occasional eat outs, and then of course my hardware shit that i need to buy now, my harddisk fucked up and just to post it back for warranty gonna cost me RM120. i need a webcam too. and I need money to go for my lover’s graduation.

see how much money i need? now if i was fucking filthy rich, these wouldnt be a trouble and i will live happily ever after.

i know i’ve got brothers and sisters who are married and earn income, but its not like they have money to spare really. and i’d hate to be a burden to people i find that are not fully responsible for me. people responsible for me is my mother and my father. which in my case, neither 1 wants to really help.

1 has not much money and claims that she tries finding other sources of income through investments yet i never seem to see returns. the other is more complicated yet he has money but is too much a tight-ass to spend it on his less significant daughter.

i may not have as screwed up a life as a whole lot of other ppl in the world, but its pretty much there.