Archive for ‘rant’

June 8, 2017

ID Photo Update.

OMG.

Check out the now and before ID photos. Photo on the right was taken in 2015.

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This is by far the ugliest id photo ever. Its bad enough that I am not a photogenic person, it makes it worse when I am FAT. With double chins and all its glory! 😭😭😭

Have I mentioned how I hate taking ID photos??!! See below is a photo I took on 21 May, about 18 days ago, and I don’t think I look or feel any different now than I did at that time. But see the big difference??

That’s why I hate ID photos! they don’t allow you to smile, and you have to stare straight like you’re taking a mugshot! Urghh.. it’s frustrating. I have never been forced to use a photo I dislike on IDs, but in NZ visa applications, it is a requirement that photos should used should be taken within 6 months of the application. 6 months!! How much difference can a person look in 2 years? *COUGH COUGH.. and I only look different cos I gained weight and had make up on for the previous photo!

Oh well, guess I am stuck with this for now. I seriously need to start doing something about my weight but I can’t seem to find the motivation for it. HELP!!!

May 21, 2017

It’s beginning to feel a lot like Winter. #bbrrrr

It’s 13 degree Celsius outside, it’s been a while that I have felt cold like this. I am loving the weather, even though it tends to get really chilly and I feel like I have to wear thick clothing all the time. But truth be told, its really better than a 40 degrees all year summer time.

I haven’t been writing much lately, I feel awful about it because I love keeping memories and writing about what goes on in my life. It’s just been so overwhelming lately that I always find myself starting an entry, and then don’t actually end up finishing my drafts. By the time I get to them, I feel like I’ve forgotten what I wanted to say and all the emotions that were felt at the point when I started those entries. Urgghh…

Anyway, besides the change of season and weather, I am also facing a change in career and life in general. I haven’t felt “happy” in a while. I mean, I’ve had moments of joy, but I tend fall back into that deep cave of mine where I hide all my true feelings and all that feeling and emotions eat me up little by little.

I have told myself many times, that I need to be more “positive”. To learn to look at the bright side of things and not always try to expect the worst-case scenario. Today in church, the message was about living by faith, and not in anger. It really is God telling me to live by faith, to trust in Him even when trials in life are so hard to deal with. I think “Trust” is a word that I feel I am able to do, but also at the same time struggle with.

Ok, enough about my rants and troubles. I told myself I needed to stay positive. So it should start now. Things to look forward to in the near future: the end of the mid term exams, The Shack movie! And… the end of my diploma! So that’s something to look forward to ^_^

March 29, 2017

Thy will be done #onrepeat

I’m so confused
I know I heard You loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of Your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

I know You’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know You think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all Your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that You’re God
And I am not
So..

Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
I know You hear me
I know You see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store

Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord

A song by Hillary Scott & The Scott Family.

As my niece Danica would say, “Omaira!” (her version of OMG)

This song just bursts out what my heart is feeling and what my brain cannot express in words because of the stress I’ve gone through lately. So much so that I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and feel like giving up this life, this world where everything is a rat race and we have to keep working hard and always be at the top and ahead of everyone else.

Being average is not acceptable, being a simple person with simple lives just means you are not ambitious, you are lazy, etc etc. Sigh… and if you settle with simplicity, then you don’t get the luxury and earn a lot of money like the rest of the world.

Whatever…

 

May 25, 2015

Breakfast is Served. #Mondays #dietfood #unhappy

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Chilli beef and beans, hard boiled egg, cucumbers and hot Milo.

And you wish this was only worth 250 calories. 😒

Did I mention that I can’t seem to fit into even my garterized pants anymore?? Ugh.

May 9, 2015

Glomp. #ihatethisword #wordoftheday #crazyexroomie

Glomp 

v, to glomp 
NOT sexual, it is the action of one person lovingly (and dramatically) attacking another with a hug. 

A glomp is often preadatory and lies somewhere in the grey area between a caring embrace, and a flying leap to tackle someone. 

The term is used extesively in anime culture, as well as online in text form (anime because many anime characters do this often, and online because it is short and descriptive).

Right. I totally got that. But I think this “attack” would be better received depending on mutual relationship level of the recipient and the “attacker” of the glomp.

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And just when I am about to check on the meaning of that word in urbandictionary.com, they gave me another word which I soooooooo could use right now. I’d like to use some of those Verbal Punches on someone!! Urrgghhh!!!!

For an introvert like me who don’t trust people easily and also loses trust easily, not to mention, physical touch is the least of my love language, glomps just won’t fly buddy. So please, F-off.

January 30, 2015

The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard.

Matthew 20:1-16

Just reading this passage reminds me how hard it is to accept the fact that some of us will indeed experience “unfairness”.

I mean, yes, even if I do not follow Jesus most of my life, but as long as I do, just before I die, I still get to go to heaven and be with God. At least, it sort of is whats portrayed at the end of the scene in God’s not Dead movie when the guy got hit by a car.

I guess this is also evident in life where even as Christians, we feel like we are always in the inferior, getting bullied all the time, or the bad people gets all the blessing and all. Yea, life is unfair sometimes but again I remember the line in God’s Not Dead movie, that the devil lets you enjoy all the things in this world so you won’t have the need to look forward to heaven.

15 Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?’

16 “So the last will be first, and the first will be last.”

God has every right to give or take as a pleases from my life. And yes, if He wishes to be generous to others even if they don’t deserve it, He calls the shots. He is the creator! He is God!

Sometimes I feel helpless. Like if God wanted to decide that I have a lousy life I have no choice but to accept that fact. And thats so pessimistic of me. How do I be “delighted” or “joyful” when thats not how I really feel inside? Yet somehow, living and conforming to the world has no meaning either..

Father in heaven, sorry I sometimes doubt You, or feel that its unfair that I don’t get a better life or blessing. In fact, I don’t deserve it, and even though other people don’t deserve it too, please help me to see the good in that, to be happy for others and not to feel envious. Its not easy Lord, I am human after all.. hard not to feel what I feel inside. I do try not to entertain those thoughts but I can’t do it on my own. Help me Lord. I don’t want to go back to who I used to be, I want to please You, I want to live a life that You want me to live. To help others, to be good at something or skillful. I just feel like I don’t have that capability. I can’t even take care of myself, how could I take care of my mom? 😐

Help me Lord.. I don’t know what else to say….

in Jesus name, Amen.

November 2, 2014

Recluse. #wotd

Uh huh. I was not familiar with this word so I looked it up in Merriam Webster.

re·cluse
ˈre-ˌklüs, ri-ˈklüs, ˈre-ˌklüz
adjective
: marked by withdrawal from society

recluse
noun
: a person who lives alone and avoids other people
Full Definition
: a person who leads a secluded or solitary life

My sister says I’ve always been a recluse and reckons it’s nice that I have many Christian friends now. Huh. She said that cos I asked her if she would describe me as a talkative person or someone who has much to say.

Somehow lately I am easily annoyed and irritated by people who talks a lot. Maybe I’m just getting old and hate the noise that comes from all that yapping. Or maybe I just wished those people would shut up and give other people a chance to say something too.

October 1, 2014

Grab Taxi but No Taxi also?

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Been standing in line for over an hour and simultaneously tried to “grab” a taxi using the “Grab Taxi” app. Nope. No luck at all.

All this time wasted just to get some measly paper printed out. Wish I had thought of getting my own printer waaay back then. Uuurrrgghhh..

I wonder how do I still praise God when I’m standing in a looooong line that doesn’t seem to be moving?

How do you still praise God and give thanks when you’re stuck in a massive jam?

To be honest, I couldn’t do it. It makes me wonder whether God would still let me enter heaven with such a behavior and attitude.

I don’t know. Only God knows.

So all I could do in the midst of all the complaining around me, my aching back, and my empty stomach (its fasting day today), I took out my iPod, and just listened to Worship songs. Its definitely better than listening to all the complaining around me…

July 4, 2014

“Do as I say, not do as I do.” #bullcrap

Ridiculous theory, I say.

June 21, 2014

Miss USA 2014. #nowwatching

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After dinner telly. I am so bloated and stuffed I cannot sit myself down. So I’m watching this to let the food digest before showering and heading to bed.