Archive for November, 2005

November 30, 2005

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one day I wish to do that. Just disappear for at least 24 hours. No handphone. No internet. No communication with people who knows me.

I’ll take a vacation on my own. Free myself from my boundary. Without anyone knowing where I’d be.

The only people I know who’d be looking for me is probably my mom. Nobody else would be looking for me.

I’m such a loser.

On top of that, I’m such a pessimist!!!!

aaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

November 30, 2005

What can I do.. ?

His family hates me. My family adores him.

i am now compared to his cousin’s gf. She scored all A’s. She got a scholarship. She’s from a rich family. fuck. I have none of that.

On top of that, I’m short, fat and ugly. This definately is a punishment from Above.

Should I let go? Should I fight on?

If I let go, I’ll be considered a wimp.

If I fight on, they could think that I’m in it for something else.

I’ve got no substance to cling on to. Nothing to prove that I’ve got what it takes to be his woman. Nothing to show that I’m WORTH it.

I’m just a simple person, wanting to lead a simple life. I’m only human..

November 23, 2005

Eng3 Presentation

Just went through my Eng3 presentation. There was Steph, Jacinta and Anna in my group. We presented “Abortion Issues in M’sia”.

The presentation was required to be done in a forum format. Like talk shows such as Oprah Winfrey. So our group bear that in mind, and we just met up yesterday for discussion and promptly became the first group to present today.

It really lifts my spirit to know that our group did quite a good job. All of us spoke out loud and it also helped lah d fact that all 4 of us were quite proficient in our english speaking.

After our presentation, the lecturer gave us really positive comments especially in front of the whole class and even told the class that our presentation is exactly what she wanted out of the class.

aaaahhh~~ sure feels good to be praised!!!

November 21, 2005

The after party

Sunday morning had to wake up and go to church despite having slept at 4am.

Had a lil dispute wid my man about him coming to church with me. I know he has always felt obligated to go and I didnt wanna force him. So I gave him a choice, either he goes on time, or he doesnt go at all. And so he didnt.He picked me up after church, went to get our mate J out for lunch when suddenly my man’s father called up and had to do errands for him again.. sheesh.. seriously unplanned.. chaotic..

spoiled our time arrangement big time. Had to drop his dad off JUST to get his money exchanged, and we did a double work by having to send him to town and back and then pick him up again to send to airport. Its like we’re drivers or something. shit.

By the time we had the time for ourselves, it was already 4.30 and we managed to get a drink in CP and then rushed off to St. Simon church for mass.

then to town to check out the restaurants, make reservations and shit, and we had only 45 mins before 8pm dinner. Had a lil row again about my grandma not joining us for dinner when we had made decision based on her and then me got my mood spoiled cos of that, we were late, I couldnt find my shoe, and we had to send J home lagik.

everything was in a mess. totally. and in all that panicky state, I sounded like my mom. :-S

my man got annoyed, i was just plain moody. but dinner wasnt too bad. Jap food at Nagasaki, choc moist cake for dessert. Though we were there for only about 1 and half hour, it was ok for me..

But back to reality. My bday has come and gone.. prepare to go back to HELL of a week… with assignments due, work to go to, my man being AWAY…

saaaaaaave meeeeeeeeeee…………..

November 21, 2005

Somethings bothering me.

I guess one of the main reasons why I couldnt enjoy my bday that much was cos I had my assignments at the back of my head.

2 assignments and 1 presentation due all in the same week. fuck.

and i guess also the fact that i didnt want that bday feeling to end…

November 21, 2005

“Happy” Birthday 2005..

half the day spent on shopping for clubbing gear for the night. Not good actually. should’ve done shopping days before the actual day. I had so much difficulty finding the “suitable” dressing and even had trouble “fitting” into some cos my belly was sticking out ugly.

Even my bf got annoyed to a point cos he got tired of the shit and mood was just not good. I got moody cos he was tired and moody and we didnt have enough time. I hate to RUSH. It spoils my mood seriously.By the time we got everything settled, we didnt have enough time to rest and we had to get to the k’oke club at 19.30. Didnt even manage to get dinner, and we couldnt find the keys to the car at the last minute.

Finally found the keys and we rushed off to k’oke. I got there first while my man and J went on to get the cake (at the last minute). While alone in the k’oke room, I’m thinking to myself, how sad is this? Being alone in the room on my bday?

Even after everyone got there, I was just not feeling right. I had friends, but I dont know them well enough. I couldnt wait to get to the club.. maybe things well change for the better?

Got to the club at 2300, it was full with people, I was excited no doubt, but when we got inside, the music sucked, my new shoes was killing me, alcohol didnt taste as good as it used to. I just felt bored..

Honestly, I didnt enjoy the day as much as I’d hoped to, but I guess I wanna be content with the fact that I had celebrated it. So that next year comes, I know I wont make the same mistakes.. 🙂

and I know my man did all he could to make it my day..

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November 21, 2005

Candles and Chocolates :’)

2359 – my man finally came to pick me up from the cyber cafe on the eve of my special day.

0000 – “its 12 on the clock hon. Time to wish me happy birthday.” I was already feeling sad and disappointed and he went on rambling bout how he was such a bad bf. We got to his house, he parked his car and rushed into the house. I thought he was goin to get me something. Then I thought back again, maybe not. Lights were out, as I stepped into the house, there were some candles lightened up, and he played music on his laptop and came out with a chocolate bar in his hands.. aww.. it wasnt extravagant, but i loved it all the same.. using the simplest things to make romance.. i melted and cried away..
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November 18, 2005

1 hour 15 mins to go..

Will be turning 23 in 1 hour and 15 mins.

And am at a fucking cyber cafe… alone.

Sad isnt it… sigh~

Was with my man just then.. went to his church prayer meeting. Not my idea of a nice romantic pre-bday celebration but oh well..

Now he’s got family issues to settle. Honestly I’m disappointed. Sad. But then its selfish for me to feel that way cos he didnt intend for it to happen.. and its an unfortunate event that he just needs to be there for the family..

Well.. I just wished I didnt have to be around his family that much. I feel tensed and pressured around them..

………..

~Happy Birthday Pam…~

November 18, 2005

Truly Happy

I had a real good evening today..

My man picked me up at 1810 and head on to meet up some friends of his at the hall and played badminton. The moment i started body actions and sweating from the sport, I felt GOOD. Hadnt been doing any sports for a while now and that was just IT.

After badminton, yam cha at Salim for a short while and then head to my man’s place. Took a shower, cuddled… and then just chillin’ at his place. Initially was spose to do my assignment there but yea.. distracted.. now i need to figure shit out to get my work done.. :S

After having alone time to ourselves at the living room when everyone else was sleeping, my man dedicated the Marvin Gaye “Lets get it on” song.. i just felt that was a romantic moment there.. Just slow dancing to the music.. kissing and shit.. Just sooo infatuated with each other..

I guess its cos my bday is just around the corner and my man wanna make me feel special and give me all the attention and make up for all the lost times while he was away… aaahhhh… i do realise that once my bday is over.. things will be back to normal.. i wish i could just linger at these moments!!! :`(

It’s really these moments that I feel truly happy.. truly loved..

November 16, 2005

Pretend to be happy

thats what he said last night, force it..

so i’m forcing it.. i’m not happy that he didnt call me but i’ll just pretend to be ok with it..thats what he wants kan.. bah.. thats what he’s getting lah.

maybe i should just disappear on saturday. yea.. shut my phone.. have the whole day alone to myself.. drown in sadness and miserables..

maybe i could die of sadness.. yea.. maybe..

happy birthday pam..